20 Steps to Healing Through Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of those abstract concepts that sounds so great but always appears insurmountable. I mean, when your heart is in pieces, how do you piece them back together with forgiveness? How are you supposed to just forget about all the toxicity or heartache or absolute stabbing in the back when you feel it pressing on you from all sides, following you in the night? 

Discover peace and freedom with 20 steps to healing through forgiveness — your guide to letting go and moving forward.

1. Understand That Forgiveness Is for You, Not Them

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. You might think forgiving someone means letting them off the hook, but the reality is quite the opposite. It’s about freeing yourself from the emotional hold they have over you. Imagine carrying a heavy backpack full of rocks every single day—that’s what holding onto grudges does to your heart! The moment you choose to forgive, you lighten your load and begin to heal. I had to learn this the hard way after a toxic relationship left me feeling constantly drained. Forgiving him wasn’t about excusing his behavior; it was about taking back my emotional energy.

2. Accept That It’s Not Immediate

You won’t wake up one day and magically be free from hurt just because you’ve decided to forgive. Forgiveness is a process, not a one-time event. Think of it like growing a plant—you can water it, nurture it, and give it sunlight, but it takes time for it to bloom. Be patient with yourself. I once spent months thinking I had forgiven someone, only to be triggered by a random memory that sent me right back to square one. It’s okay to take your time—healing is not a race.

3. Feel All Your Emotions First

 my divorce, I spent a full week crying over everything—big things, small things, even silly things. I let myself grieve, and that was the first step toward forgiveness.

4. Set Boundaries with Your Emotions

While feeling your emotions is important, you don’t want to live in them forever. Set boundaries with your emotional turmoil. Maybe allow yourself 15 minutes a day to feel angry, and then get up and do something positive. When I was going through my healing process, I used to let myself rant about my ex for a solid 10 minutes, then I’d do something to make myself laugh—usually watching old comedy sketches. It’s a weird combo, but it worked wonders.

5. Get Comfortable with Discomfort

Let’s be honest: forgiveness can feel awkward. You won’t immediately feel relief or joy, and sometimes you might feel conflicted. It’s like wearing new shoes—at first, they pinch and feel weird, but after a while, they fit just right. Get comfortable with the discomfort. Every time you choose forgiveness, even when it feels unnatural, you’re making progress toward healing.

6. Acknowledge What Hurt You

Before you can truly forgive, you need to acknowledge the specific things that hurt you. This isn’t about reopening old wounds; it’s about understanding what you’re forgiving. Sometimes, the hurt can feel so overwhelming that it all blends together. Write down exactly what caused you pain—be it big betrayals or small irritations. I once made a list, starting with the big stuff like “he lied about everything” down to the petty, like “he never liked my favorite show.” The act of acknowledging helped me gain clarity and, ultimately, peace.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Heal

It’s surprising how often we hold onto pain because we feel like we’re supposed to. Sometimes, we even feel like we deserve the hurt. If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “This is my fault,” or “I don’t deserve to be happy,” stop right there. You are worthy of healing, and you have permission to let go of the pain. After I left my abusive relationship, I realized I had been carrying so much guilt—like I should have seen the red flags earlier. It took me a long time to give myself permission to heal, but once I did, the weight started to lift.

8. Understand That Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness

It takes a lot of strength to forgive. In fact, forgiveness is one of the bravest things you can do. It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of courage. You’re choosing peace over conflict, healing over hurt. People may think that if you forgive, you’re letting the person off easy, but in reality, you’re doing the hardest thing possible—you’re choosing to rise above the pain.

9. Detach from the Need for an Apology

If you’re waiting for an apology before you forgive, you might be waiting forever. The person who hurt you may never acknowledge the pain they caused, and that’s okay. Your healing doesn’t depend on them saying sorry. I used to hold out for an apology from someone who ghosted me out of nowhere. But once I realized that I didn’t need their apology to move forward, I felt empowered. Forgiveness is your decision—not theirs.

10. Find Humor Where You Can

You know what they say: laughter is the best medicine. Finding humor in a painful situation can be a powerful way to heal. When I was going through one of the toughest times in my life, I started to notice the ridiculousness of certain situations. Like the time I spent hours analyzing a vague text message, only to realize it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Learning to laugh at yourself and the situation takes the edge off the pain and makes forgiveness a little easier.

11. Practice Self-Compassion

When things go wrong, it’s easy to turn inward and start blaming yourself. “Why didn’t I see the signs?” “I should’ve done this differently.” But the truth is, we’re all human. Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. I used to be so hard on myself after my marriage ended, replaying every little thing I could’ve done better. It wasn’t until I started treating myself with the love I deserved that I truly began to heal.

12. Surround Yourself with Positivity

Negativity loves company, but so does positivity. Surround yourself with people, activities, and spaces that bring out the best in you. I made a rule for myself: if someone in my life constantly dragged me back into a negative headspace, I’d distance myself. Instead, I focused on things that brought me joy, like going for long walks, listening to uplifting podcasts, and spending time with friends who made me laugh.

13. Visualize Your Freedom

Take a moment and imagine what your life will look like when you’ve let go of the pain. You’re not wishing away your feelings but rather envisioning a future where you aren’t weighed down by hurt and resentment. When I was deep in the trenches of heartbreak, I’d sit and picture myself finally feeling free—able to smile, laugh, and enjoy life without that person taking up space in my mind. Visualizing that freedom gave me the motivation to keep moving forward.

14. Talk It Out, but Be Selective

Talking about your pain can be incredibly healing, but be careful about who you talk to. You want someone who will listen, not someone who will fuel your anger. I had a friend who, every time I vented about my ex, would just make me even more angry, encouraging me to hold onto the grudge. Eventually, I realized I needed to vent to people who would help me process, not escalate, my feelings.

15. Focus on Growth, Not Grudges

Instead of focusing on what went wrong, shift your focus to what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown. Painful experiences often lead to the most profound personal growth. I’ve learned more about myself through hardship than any happy moment could teach me. By focusing on how you’ve grown, rather than clinging to grudges, you’re investing in your future happiness.

16. Small Wins Matter – Celebrate Them!

Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint. So, celebrate the small victories along the way. Maybe today you thought about the person who hurt you and didn’t immediately feel anger—that’s progress. When I was healing from my breakup, I celebrated the day I went to a spa for a facial and massage without feeling guilty or needing to justify the expense. Small wins like that add up to major breakthroughs over time.

17. Let Go of the Idea of Revenge

As tempting as revenge might seem, it doesn’t actually heal your heart. In fact, it often makes things worse. Holding onto the idea of revenge keeps you tied to the person who hurt you, while forgiveness sets you free. Focus on living your best life instead of plotting your payback.

18. Create New Rituals

Creating new rituals can be incredibly healing. These are habits or practices that aren’t connected to the person who hurt you—they’re just for you. After my breakup, I started a ritual of weekly “self-care Saturdays,” where I’d do something nice for myself, whether it was a bath, a new book, or simply taking myself out for coffee. These rituals helped me rebuild my sense of self.

19. Understand That Forgiveness Is an Ongoing Practice

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time thing. You may feel like you’ve forgiven someone one day, and then the next day, old feelings of hurt resurface. That’s normal. Think of forgiveness as a daily practice—each day, you’re choosing to let go, little by little. It’s not about perfection, but progress.

20. Forgive Yourself

The hardest part of forgiveness can be forgiving yourself. You might feel guilty for staying in a bad relationship too long, or for ignoring red flags. But remember, you were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time. Forgive yourself for any mistakes, and recognize that you’re stronger now because of everything you’ve been through.

A Bright Tomorrow Awaits

Forgiveness is like spring cleaning for your soul. Once you start clearing out the emotional clutter, you’ll find more space for joy, peace, and love. And while the process isn’t easy, it’s one of the most powerful acts of self-love you can give yourself. By letting go of the past, you’re making room for a brighter, more peaceful future. After all, you deserve nothing less.